Embers

Oh sweet sorrow! How thou presents thyself to me. You come in bouts of technicolor and rainbows leaving me with another notch of love’s pain and remembrance etched in my heart. You, Sorrow, never weep. Rather, you come uninvited in the midst of tender tears and shatter my heart. 

Grief has done that to me this early morning. 

As I sit and watch my mother transition, there’s such a great love I feel for her. And I see that all my soul feels is deep compassion. The love between a mother and a daughter; between lovers; between those whose hearts are intertwined with lavender essence and tender chocolate filled kisses! Such sorrow I feel at this moment and such amazing peace. It’s the covering of bittersweetness you might find in between layers of a dark chocolate cake.

I wait for the soul to ascend and meet its maker - the God the Christ on which we humble ourselves. I wait for the last inhale and, after seconds, finally hear the exhale. I wait patiently and, at times turbulently- not able to decide between laughter at the nonsense in waiting or the sacredness in the waiting itself.

This I know. Being fully present as our loved one transitions is not for the weak of heart. It’s the most humbling experience one could have. The privilege of supporting another move through the veil of our vulnerability is a moment when the clouds break open and the darkness of the day shines brilliantly. No longer are we tethered to the misconceptions, misinterpretations, or misunderstandings our mind conjures up. At the moment of death I’ve seen the heart crack open and love pour out like a damn watering the dusty dry fields of the desert.

Death! The passing from this earth reality to the Unknown. It’s the liminal stage we never think we will encounter. But, oh, we will encounter one day the moment we finally let go of the illusion of control.

Oh, Mother, how I love you so! You rest now in the arms of the Beloved and in the arms of the spouse you loved for 74.5 years! You leave us now. And we smile and remember, and shed tears and remember...we, too, will walk this path one day. Will I be prepared? Am I prepared? Blessed be those who have gone before me who have taught me strength of heart and deep faith in the One and in the unknown of our lives! Peace be still! Christ hear me! Love’s connection take me!

What’s left is an ever present ember carried deep in my soul!